I’m alone, and that’s ok…

For many women, being alone at 31 is scary.

We all grew up with Mothers, Grandmothers, other women of influence and basically society telling us if we weren’t married and had a family by 30 we were failing at life. Well I was married at 18, and let me tell you, I’m so glad I’m single now.

I was reading a book by Kelly Cutrone recently, one of the many things she wrote really resonated me was this: “Between the ages of 15 and 32, don’t worry about getting married, don’t worry about settling down, don’t worry about having a baby, give birth to yourself”.

This quote goes against everything I was raised with. But it made sense. I wasn’t ready to get married when I did. I was part of a religion (Jehovah’s Witnesses) that pushed that you needed to get married to have sex as God frowned upon sex before marriage, blah, blah, blah. Not to mention that men are the head of your household and you can’t go against your husband (yes, I had to call him from the grocery store is there was anything else I needed, I couldn’t just buy it or I’d get in trouble when I got home). My marriage was doomed when it started. Looking back I firmly believe that. The cherry on the cake is that I was given a stern talking to that I needed to be a good Christian wife and take back my cheating husband, with his son that he has with the woman he cheated on me with, I needed to look past it and accept it. Yeah right!

The past two years of my life have really been my own rebirth, a therapist once told me right after my separation I was experiencing a delayed adolescence.

Milestones I should have had much earlier in life, I’ve only just recently been experiencing. My first apartment, really travelling and experiencing this world, creating contingent-free friendships that are not based on “if I’m a good Jehovah’s Witness or not”, and just dating in general.

The point is, it might be late, but better late than never. Truth is, I’m happier than ever.

I went through a really crappy ten years of my life, the death of my father, the infidelity and abuse from my husband. When everything did finally come crashing down, I got depressed, really depressed. I thank my Aunt and my Grandmother especially for being there for me. I also thank my friends too, everyday going through this divorce is hard. It’s sometimes really hard. But there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

My happiness now depends on me, no one else. I realize that now. I don’t have time for relationships that don’t bring me peace or happiness. I’ve learned not to settle. Life is not about settling. It’s about ebbs and flows and about contributing to that peace we want to see in this world.

Will I ever have a family of my own, probably not. I think that ship has sailed. I’ll never be a mother, but that’s okay with me.

Everyone tells me “I’ll meet the right guy at the right time”, “never give up hope on getting married again”. The thing is we live in a throwaway generation. Our computer breaks down, easier just to go out and get a new one. Kind of my current thoughts and feelings towards relationships. Most people nowadays just throw out time and energies invested because it’s work. That’s what successful relationship are though, work. Just like any job, work is work, it’s not called fun. Finding someone who wants a partner is not easy in this world. Maybe one day I’ll find that special someone, but I won’t be getting married. I think marriage is overrated. It’s a piece of paper that can hold one of you hostage if it ever ends. Would I consider a “commitment ceremony”, probably. Just no marriage certificate. Love is supposed to have no bounds right?

My true love right now? Travel.

I’m so happy that I found a job I truly love and can’t wait to see where this career takes me.

I know this blog post got really personal, but hopefully it gives you an insight of where I want to take this blog I’ve set up. Again from Kelly Cutrone, I’ll end with this quote “I hope that you, too, will choose to have a journey instead of just a life. Actually, I hope it’s a full on expedition.”

 

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2 thoughts on “I’m alone, and that’s ok…

  1. murray says:

    Ariana I loved reading this. So unfortunate what you had to live previously. For where you now in life I say “YOU GO GIRL’

    Your uncle Mur.

    Like

  2. Barbara Carr says:

    Ariana, thank you for your vulnerability. I so agree, we all need to be comfortable with being alone, whether in a relationship or not because God loves us and that gives us that inner peace that passes understanding😘. I am reading your words and writing this after a glorious walk in the sunshine, on the beach, by myself. After ending a 40 year marriage where we both had our shortcomings, I am learning to truly be at peace with my alone time. It is a journey and a sorrow at the loss of what we expected life to be like but also a reawakening of my spiritual, emotional, physical, financial, friends and family life. I embrace taking joy in whatever journey I am on👍. I value your words, Barb

    Like

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